Yesterday evening, when someone left their door open and let all the heat out, outside got above 30 degrees for the first time in like three years (that's an estimate), I decided to grill some hamburgers.

I grilled the meat, took the burgers inside, the family ate, then the sun started to set. They were delicious, I did a great job if I do say so myself.

Afterwards, I thought that I'd better go outside quick and put the grill away before I forgot. The grill lives on a little patio area next to the deck right behind our garage. There's a door off the back of the garage onto the patio. I had left that door open before eating those perfectly grilled burgers.

So, I opened the door from the house into the garage, stepped into the garage, closed the house door, turned around, and I saw IT. A giant, terrifying monster! It had stuck its hugemongous snout over the door into the garage and was sniffing around. The creature was just putting one of its alien feet in the doorway when it caught sight of me.

It turned its massive head towards me and stared with empty, evil eyes. I was frozen. Maybe in fear, maybe in confusion. A monster was trying to get in my garage. I could feel it sizing me up. Now, I am losing weight, but there's still plenty of meat on my bones. I could see in the creatures eyes that it was forming a plan of attack. I swear it was ready to pounce.

I could see the future so clear. I could see it grabbing my ankle in it's unearthly jaw. Razor teeth tearing through pants into flesh. It would drag me out the garage, across the patio and under the deck. I knew it wanted to feed on my meaty limbs and then give the rest of my screaming carcass to its nest of hell spawn, that is no doubt hunkered down under my deck.

Lucky, I must have instinctively asserted my mammalian dominance and forced the creature to change its mind. It turned and ran. I was so rattled, I slammed the garage door and locked it. By the look of the monster's feet I bet it could work a door handle. Just like the raptors in Jurassic Park.

The creature was was covered in fur. I believe it had a long tail. It was kind of like a South Dakota Bigfoot. But, not an ape. It could be a giant sloth, like from the Ice Ages. A forgotten ancient animal that woke from a frozen statis deep in the permafrost of the Northern Territories. It then made its way south. Perhaps following a herd of deer. It then smelled my grilling goodness and infiltrated my backyard with its mammoth snout and freaky feet.

Or it could have been a possum.

Look, I know that possums are real. I've seen them on TV and a quick Google search showed me pictured of them. I also found various cages and traps. There was also tips like using garlic to drive them away from your garden. I also saw that you could use ammonia to keep them away. That's great and all, but I don't think I know what exactly ammonia is or where to get it. Is it like bleach? I got bleach. Or wasp spray? I have that too after a wasp was foolish enough to try to dig a nest by my driveway last summer.

I've never seen a possum in real life though, only in pictures or TV. And they look so tiny. This monster that was attempting to do a B and E on my garage was HUGE. Somewhere between the size of a german shepard and a tiger, or an elephant. It was humongous, with gross, weird feet. I don't know how it managed to get under the deck steps since it was so big, but I wouldn't be surprised if it has some sort of powers.

That brings up another possibility, it is not from this planet. It could have been an alien being. It may have dropped from the sky this week sometime. Oh gosh! What kind of terrible off-world powers does this monster have?!? Is it a Klingon Targ? Is there a Klingon invasion force here? Or a lone explorer from Krono lost in the Alpha Quadrant looking for his beloved (but deadly) pet?

Maybe It could be a shapeshifter! A shapeshifter from another dimension. A parallel dimension where somethings2 are the same but there are giant, deadly, shapeshifting monsters. And I have an evil goatee.

Or it could be a possum.

I'm not dismissing the possibility that there is a reasonable explanation (meaning: boring). It could be a possum. Also, it could instead be a fantastic beast! And I know where to find it. The bigger question is, what do we name this thing. I discovered it, so I get to name it. Like the New Jersey Devil, this needs a catchy name. How about, The Dakota Monster Creature? Or Snouty McRazor Teeth? Or the 605 Unfrozen Giant Sloth? Maybe I should leave the naming to the cryptozoological experts.

Either way, perhaps this will be the tipping point in my quest to pave-over my lawn so I never have to mow again. Getting rid of the grass, trees, everything green will deprive the monster of places to hide. It will also turn my yard into one of those playground from my youth. Pavement, a loose layer of gravel and a sprinkling of broken glass. Ahhh, good times.

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