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Goodbye, Sochi — And the 2 and a Half Periwinkle into a Double Toe Jam

So long, Sochi Olympics, land of side-by-side toilets, unfinished hotel rooms and Bob Costas’ horrific case of pinkeye. I’m going to miss you. Well, not really.

But I will miss NBC’s nonsensical figure skating prime time announcing team of Scott Hamilton, Tom Hammond and Sandra Bezic.

This is what NBC’s primetime team sounds like to me.

Bezic: “Stalina Leninova will go into her Kowtow with a reverse 2 and a half periwinkle into a double toe jam then a Peruvian death spiral.”

Hamilton: “Ooooooooh. Such a nice perpendicular French braid into a syncopated Farnsworth! But probably a deduction for not landing the stickybun cleanly.”

Hammond: “It says here that 5’6″ 102 pound Stalina had to sharpen her skates with a rusty borscht bowl while her mother sold rotten beet juice at the post Soviet farmersmarketiski in Unpronounceable Russian Village for ten years to pay for little Stalina’s skating lessons and 15 back surgeries. What spunk! Even dirty rotten former Commies are almost human like Americans.”

I have until February 2018 to get my mind right again before next winter Olympics in PyeongchangSouth Korea. If NBC broadcasts the Korean TV feed for figure skating, it couldn’t possibly be any more confusing.

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