Big Sioux River Asked to Halt Operations After Complaints
After a receiving of a series of complaints, the Big Sioux River in Sioux Fall has been asked to suspended operations. Officials with the Sioux Falls Police Department say that residents of a new building near the river complained that it is full of water.
"People say they don't like that the river is full of water. Others complained about the water freezing in the winter and they didn’t like that sort of thing," Stanley Hudson of the Sioux Falls Police Department said in a statement. "Several individuals also said that the water in the river tends to attract a certain kind of element. They seemed to be referring to ducks, or maybe fish."
The Department said that the complaints started after a luxury apartment building opened near the Big Sioux in downtown Sioux Falls. Residents of the new apartments appear to not like that the river exists.
"If I'd known that there was river running right through the middle of Sioux Falls I'd never signed my lease. It's there all day and all night. All that wet water there, it's just inconceivable," said Toby Flenderson, a resident of the Apartments on the Big Sioux River development. "I wanted to live in a quiet and peaceful space in the middle of everything."
Kevin Malone, a neighbor of Flenderson's added, "Yea, I got all moved in to my place and a few days letter I happened to look out the window and, BOOM, there was that river there. Like all of a sudden!"
Another resident of the building, Meredith Palmer, said, "I'd expect this kind of thing in a big city like Omaha. But, a river, here? Not in a small town like Sioux Falls. I'll have to start locking my doors."
"Someone at City Hall should have stopped them from building a river right next to our homes," Flenderson said.
When reached for comment, Phyllis Vance, a geology professor at the University of South Dakota, said, "What? Really? Are you serious?"
After being assured that this is a real thing that's happening, Vance said, "Well, the Big Sioux River is a river. So, it's full of water. And it has been where it is for several thousand years."
Vance was asked if it would have been possible for the building to have been built, and have people move in, and them to have not noticed the river was there?
In response Vance said, "OK this can't be real. I have to get to my class, please don't call here again."
When presented with this information, building resident Palmer said, "Right, like I'll believe anything someone who is an educated expert would say. Really? In 2018 that's not how the world works.”
BTW, this is SATIRE, duh.